Saturday, October 15, 2011

Blog 7 Deal With It

10/15/2011 1:27 PM

Day 17 without eye sight or the full capability of walking sans pimp walk and I don’t even want to talk about the state of my left-handed pimp slap … guess I better dust off my velour suit and faux-gold chains to better meet the demands of this new life style.

Did I just dedicate an entire paragraph to a pimp joke that wasn’t funny in the first place?

I did. Deal with it.

So I have a sit down meeting with my cardiologist next week to discuss the risks and concerns with what I’m calling “The Rhianna Procedure”—I now regret the first paragraph. Anyway, since what is being put into my heart is technically one or two implants, there are risks with how your body will react to foreign objects interacting with the blood stream. The vast majority of people never have an issue with the procedure, but if I’ve learned anything in the past week, I am anything but the vast majority. From now on, I choose to call my group the “avast majority,” a small but lively group of pirates who enjoy their hearts like they enjoy their Mai-Tai’s: with an umbrella inside.

The easiest way to psychoanalyze me is to count the number of attempted jokes in a single sentence averaged out over the entire entry. If the average number of jokes-per-sentence is at least 30% higher than the number of total sentences, that means I’m really scared but choose to mask it under the guise of irreverence—or irrelevance, I haven’t decided.

Yeah, it’s scary. It’s been scary this entire time and I simply chose to air on the side of putting on airs instead of an emo-laden angst cannon. Nobody wants to read this:

Dear Uncaring Life Hole,

Today was as lonely as an orphaned star staring down the supernova’d black holes that occupy the space where his family used to live. I am a celestial pit of mutilated dreams that can’t shoot for the stars because they’re already dead.

White Dwarfs just don’t understand.

Actually, scratch that thing I just said about not wanting to read that. I think my entire blog should be ONLY that. I could do that all day.

Oh, and I have finally gotten back to working on my book after three weeks of not touching it. Let’s just say I got a nibble that enticed me back into the saddle. Who knows, maybe this blog will be about the terrors of getting my book published eventually.

I am in the Avast Majority, after all. 

1 comment:

  1. Hey, after listening to Chainsawsuit Podcast today, I found this blog and was going back through it and laughed out loud pretty hard at the avast majority line about enjoying your heart like you enjoy your Mai Tais. I'm sure you don't even get notified about comments on this account anymore, but I thought I'd post one anyway.